you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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