New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
