Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
