Your face is a jimmy john
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
