u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
