And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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