No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
