I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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