I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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