i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
