Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
