I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
