Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
