we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
