good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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