Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
