Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
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