I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
