On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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