By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
