Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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