Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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