I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
