this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
