So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
