Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
