By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in