Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.