Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.