The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
