Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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