I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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