How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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