i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
