I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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