Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
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So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
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I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.