I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and she was petting her beer can
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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