I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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