I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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