Can i not drive my cunt home
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Of course I have a pirate flag
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
