Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
