he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
