I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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