i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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