Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
