I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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