I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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