Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
