when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
