having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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