don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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