just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
