oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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