That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
