I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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