Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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