I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
