Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
