that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
